Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Simple Rules for Crunchy Living

I've received some mail from readers concerned because they want to live their life in a more Crunchy fashion, but are confused by what seem like an arbitrary set of rules. In order to illustrate these more clearly, I've put together a bunch of examples which I hope will serve to clarify matters:

Food: This one is very simple. You should buy organic, but it's OK to complain about the quality and prices. Spending a lot of money on food is bad, but if you're eating with friends, it's acceptable. Caviar is OK so long as you actually enjoy it, and are not just doing it to act all sophistimacated. Wine, especially a bottle or two over poulet in Paree is OK, though dandelion wine is a safer, more convivial choice. And you should always buy locally, except when the guy in NYC has better coffee at a good price.

Cars are an important thing because your choices affect the lives of working men. Environmentally speaking an eight-year-old Honda or Toyota is really best, but you should buy American, because the auto companies allow honest men to support a wife at home. And despite what everyone thinks, Cadillac builds a very good quality car, though perhaps too luxurious; while aesthetics and beauty are valid concerns for the food you put on your plate, in choosing a car you should opt for the Buick instead. Joining a hot rod club is OK, but a motorcycle gang probably isn't, though if you bought a Harley, which is built in America, and always followed the speed limit and didn't get into turf wars with your rivals, I guess that would be convivial enough to be OK.

In terms of recreation, video games are really bad, bad, bad, and you should forget the fact that demand for games produces a huge industry full of high-paying jobs for creative people and that the production and consumption of video games has very little bad impact on the environment. But just because video games destroy the fabric of our civilization, using puppies for target practice is not an acceptable substitute. Try making some dandelion wine instead.

As for the Internet, we should keep in mind that it's a shallow, fake community and vastly inferior to the varied and rich choices that were offered by most small rural towns in the 19th century. The fact that Frederica met Rod on an AOL chatroom proves how great a sacrifice these two pioneers were willing to make to help the rest of us avoid the seductive sirens of cyberspace. How they managed to avoid having their souls shredded to ribbons in the process is really a tribute to their crunchiness.

Thinking about buying a washing machine? Try washing your clothes in the river like your great-great grandmother and countless generations before her! Imagine the conviviality.

Needless to say, church-shopping is wrong, though it is OK to switch from the denomination ten generations of your family worshipped at, to one run by the world's largest and oldest global enterprise because you think it's a better fit for your "traditional" beliefs. And while you should pay attention to your impact on the environment, large families are more important, so be (naturally!) fruitful.

I hope that clears things up!


Blogger James said...

Whoa! This is pretty hard-edged compared to the rather light-hearted previous posts. It still has a lot of truth in it and made me laugh, however.

7:58 AM  
Blogger Casey said...

You forgot the most important rule: Rod Dreher can do whatever he wants...

1) Crunchies believe local is sacred? Forget it. If Rod Dreher wants to fly across the country from Dallas to NYC to sell his book, it's okay.

2) Crunchies don't like big capitalism? Come on. If Rod Dreher wants to use News Corp. and Borders to sell his book, it's just fine.

3) Crunchies don't like television and even give it up for Lent? Get real. If Rod Dreher wants to go on TV to sell his book, it's great.

4) Crunchies detest pornography? Oh, silly. If Rod Dreher wants to sell his book on websites that also offer lots of all-nude workout videos, it's wonderful.

You get the drift. All animals are equal, but some are more equal than others. Halfway seriously, Dreher is starting to bug people on NRO with his hypocrisy. Goldberg and Podhoretz have made guarded references, and it may only be a matter of time before somebody lets loose with a full blast.

6:01 AM  
Blogger Casey said...

Hm, Goldberg just blasted Dreher for claiming to be pro-life while supporting a pro-choice congressional candidate. Sounds like Jonah is getting real tired of Dreher's, let's say, "flexible" principles. We might be getting close to an all-out slanging match. Goldberg will have lots of ammunition to fire at Dreher's various examples of saying one thing and doing another.

6:26 AM  
Blogger kathleen said...

Is there anything the crunchies WON'T discuss on their blog? microbreweed beer ... church shopping .... farming practices ... living wage .... Homer Simpson ... day care ... birth control ... A theory of everything can be one of 2 things: a dance with fascism (oh sorry, a fascistic "sensibility"), or a theory of NOTHING. In either case, why is NR hosting a blog about it?

3:14 PM  
Blogger J-Dog said...

J-Dog thinks Cruchy Cons are guilt (or something)ridden children of the hippie generation who can't come to terms with our prosperity. They are similar to the upwardly mobile bohemian wanna-bes described in David Brooks' book, "Bobos in Paradise".
In the end, they are materialists, basing their identities on things purchased or aquired.
He also thinks they have a hard time making simple decisions.

8:39 AM  
Blogger Tennessee Budd said...

A Hardly Dangerous? I'll pass. I prefer to buy American in most things, but I'll keep my hot-rod, fire-breathing '82 CB900F SuperSport.

10:03 AM  
Blogger Capitalist Tool said...

Being a good crunchy-con boils down to one simple rule: at every decision point in your life, simply consider What Would Rod Dreher Do, and do the same.

As a helpful reminder, you might consider wearing a WWRDD bracelet. Of course you'll need to make the bracelet yourself out of soy-dyed organic hemp, or barter for a bracelet made by a local artisan, unless Rod Dreher starts selling bracelets himself. In that case you should buy your bracelet from Rod. PayPal and Visa accepted.

12:25 PM  
Blogger kathleen said...

Brilliant, capitalist tool. imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, so if you will permit me a couple of variations on the bracelet theme

WWRDB -- what would Rod Dreher buy?
WWRDTAWIB -- " " " " think about what i'm buying?
WWRDF(ECS)TAWIB -- " " " "'s friends (especially Caleb Stegall) think about what i'm buying?

5:39 PM  
Blogger nihil said...

Yo, CC, have you ever considered that you couldn't leave your family denomination if said denomination hadn't broken off from the megacorp in the first place?

9:26 AM  
Blogger blackminorca said...

Corn Stoves are SOOOO CC.


1:24 PM  
Blogger Pauli said...

J-Dog writes:
> J-Dog thinks Cruchy Cons are
> guilt (or something) ridden
> children of the hippie
> generation who can't come to
> terms with our prosperity.

Bingo. The preachiness on everything (where to shop, what it eat, where to go to church...) reminds me of Lk. 11:46 "... you experts in the law, woe to you, because you load people down with burdens they can hardly carry, and you yourselves will not lift one finger to help them."

J-Pod just made this great point about how the belief of Caleb Stegall, a hyper-intellectual version of Dreher, that everybody lives ideologically is just flat out wrong. I don't go into Wal-Mart to defy all the anti-Wal-Mart folks - God! it's painful to even pretend to think that way. This blog is great - thanks.

12:34 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home